Resources

How to Help 

Supporting someone who has experienced the tragic murder of a loved one or friend can be incredibly challenging. Listed below are suggestions and ways you can offer help and support:

Be Present: Simply being there for the person can be a significant source of comfort. Listen to them when they want to talk and respect their need for silence or solitude when they don’t. Remember that your presence is symbolic of your love. This is not something that can be solved or can be fixed. We tend to regulate grief to the shadows because the emotions are so intense.

Offer Practical Help: They may be overwhelmed with daily tasks. Offering to help with chores, errands, or cooking can provide some relief during this difficult time.

Encourage Professional Support: Grief can be complex, especially in cases of homicide. Encourage them to seek support from grief counselors or support groups who specialize in such losses. Support groups of people with shared experiences have proven very helpful.

Avoid Clichés: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” can often be more hurtful than helpful. Instead, acknowledge the pain and the injustice of the situation. “I’m sorry. I’m here for you.” No need to say more.

Respect the Grieving Process: Everyone grieves differently. Some may want to talk about their child, while others might not. Follow their lead and respect their process. Make sure you give them the opportunity to talk about them and realize that this is important. There is a fear that their loved ones will be forgotten.

Remember Important Dates: Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be particularly hard. Let them know you remember and are thinking of them. Often cards sent on these dates provide a reminder that they are not forgotten.

Protect Their Privacy: If the case attracts media attention, help shield them from unwanted exposure if they wish to remain private. Some family members will want to discuss their loved ones and ask for help if it’s an unsolved case. It should always be the decision of the family members involved, they may, later, feel like reaching out to the media, but in the meantime, help protect their privacy.

Stay Long-term: Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Continue to check in on them, even long after the event, to show that you care and are there for support.

It’s important to note that while you can offer support, professional help is crucial in such situations. Grief, especially following a traumatic event like homicide, can lead to complex emotional responses that are best navigated with the help of professionals.

For more detailed guidance, you might consider looking into resources provided by organizations specializing in grief counseling and support for families affected by homicide. They can offer specific advice and services tailored to such heartbreaking circumstances.

Suggestions for the Friends and Relatives of the Grieving Survivors

YES, you can help, even though you  may not know what to say, or feel uncomfortable, awkward. Such feelings are normal, but don’t let them keep you away. The simple communication that you care is probably the most important and helpful thing anyone can do. This guide suggests the kinds of attitudes, words and acts which are tremendously helpful.

Let the Survivor be your guide. Remember that everyone grieves their own way. Be yourself. Express your concern in your own way and in your own words. But listen more than you talk, and ASK before you hug, kiss, hold or touch a survivor. Do not assume you know what is good for them.

Friends and families are often at a loss for words because they are also shocked. It is okay to admit that you don’t know what to say. Your presence matters. Cards and simple gifts may also express your care and concern.

Never attempt to tell the bereaved how they feel. Never tell a survivor that you understand how they feel. Unless you have lost your loved one to homicide, YOU DON’T!

Avoid clichés and easy answers. “He had a good life,” “It’s God’s will,” and “Aren’t you lucky that …” are not likely to help. A simple “I’m sorry” is better. Do not attempt to make sense of the loss.

Accept silence. If the survivor doesn’t feel like talking, don’t force conversation. Silence is better than aimless chatter. Be a good listener. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Listen nonjudgmentally. Be as understanding as you can be.

Do Not Be Anxious or Afraid. Survivors need to talk about their loved one and the circumstances surrounding his/her death, sometimes over and over. Don’t be afraid to mention their loved one’s name.

Do not probe for details about the death. If the survivor offers information, fine, but often survivors are not able to share any details of the death because of the on-going criminal investigation. Be respectful of this.

Be of Practical Service. Help attend to practical matters. Help answering the phone, addressing Thank You cards, preparing meals, taking care of the children, doing chores (dishes, trash, laundry). This kind of help lifts burdens and creates a bond. Do not assume that a seemingly calm child is not grieving; include them in your sympathy.

Be patient with the time grief takes. Do not whisk away clothing or hide pictures. Do not criticize seemingly morbid behavior. Have patience with emotions that go up and down. Survivors may inappropriately direct the anger they feel at those closest to them. It is a safe outlet for the survivor, and family and friends should not take it personally.

Stay in Touch! Keep in touch for weeks and months. Be available. Phone calls and notes are tremendously important to the survivor, especially in the months following the death. Many survivors are just beginning to deal with their grief 3 – 6 months after the death. This is when they really need the support and care from friends and family. They need to be reminded that they are not forgotten.

Grief – The Human Experience (pomc.org)

https://www.pomc.org/survivor-support/grief-the-human-experience/Problems Of Survivors (pomc.org)

Loved ones and friends of homicide victims are brought together by a common tragedy eliminating any barriers than might have separated them in the past.  “We all bleed red blood” was one way of explaining the unlikely friendships made under these circumstances. The violence of American society is not an abstraction to families who have lost a loved one to murder: each of them has a name and a face.

Some survivors find consolation by visiting their loved one’s grave. During the first year after the murder, they may visit the cemetery frequently, including birthdays, holidays, or days with special meaning.

Teen Grief 101: How to Help a Grieving Teen | Eterneva

Help survivors find life-enhancing ways to honor the memory of their loved one. A donation to a charity, church, museum, school, or a scholarship program in the name of a loved one. Lighting a candle or planting a tree or flowers on the anniversary of the loved one’s death.

Remember the survivors on the anniversary of the death. Call or write to them. The survivor remembers, and it will be a comfort to know others have not forgotten. Also, remember the survivor on the birthday of their loved one, anniversaries and other significant life events.

Give the survivor permission not to grieve. The survivor needs to know that it is OK not to grieve all the time.

Survivors Tell Us That Small Gestures Mean a Lot.

Allow survivors to grieve in whatever way they wish and for as long as they wish.

Allow survivors to express their tears or even laughter. It is a healthy expression of grief and releases tension.

Allow survivors to talk about the victim, his or her life, and the murder. Allow them to talk about the good and the bad times.

Allow survivors to be angry: at you, the victim, the criminal, the criminal justice system, or simply at the unfairness of life. Anger needs expression and sharing.

Remember the survivors and the victims at holiday time, the anniversary date of the murder, and birthdays. Let the survivors know you remember, too.

Allow the survivors some time away from day-to-day pressures. Offer help with the children, a day off work, a day out of the house, help with groceries, or whatever you can do to give them a break.

Reassure the survivors that the murder was not their fault or the victim’s fault.

Tell survivors that you are sorry the murder happened and that it is horrible that someone killed their loved one.

Support survivors in their efforts to reconstruct a life even if it means a major change in the lifestyle, or work, or place of residence.

Let survivors know that you will stand by them and that they mean a great deal to you.

This information is from the Parents of Murdered Children web site which is an excellent source of information and additional resources.

www.pomc.org

and Office of Victims of Crime – ovc.ojp.gov